There’s an incredible book that was written by a man named Gary Chapman. He wrote the book called ‘The 5 Love Languages’ which really opened up the world of understanding to communicating love. The mechanics of how love is communicated, with 5 different languages.
These languages are not languages like English, Spanish, French or Arabic, but rather languages that anyone from any background use to give and receive love. In Gary’s work he identified 5 key love language which are as follows:
The 5 Love Languages:
Love language #1: Words of affirmation
Love language #2: Acts of service
Love language #3: Gifts
Love language #4: Quality time
Love language #5: Physical touch
These love languages are shared in no particular order of importance from a general perspective. From a personal perspective however it’s worth exploring, which we’ll discuss how to do so with you and your partner later in this article. What’s important to note is that these love languages are given and received by people at different times in their life but some of these love languages will be given easier, and some will be received easier and with open arms depending on the person.
The key here is to identify your love language as well as the love language of your partner, or the person that you are dating.
Identify Your Love Languages, Then Prioritize
Your love languages matter because if you do not understand them you will not be able to receive love how you desire and over time this will leave a feeling of emptiness. It is important for your partner to also know their love language and prioritize them as well so that you can understand how to love them in a deep and meaningful way.
Make it a date night. Discuss the 5 love languages over a date and the key here is to individually pick your love languages and preferences without interference or influence from your partner. In other words, both parties need to be aware of the 5 love languages and then from there you’ll write the 5 of them down on a piece of paper.
Both partners have the 5 love languages written down, and then below that both partners take 5 to 10 minutes to simply look at each of the love languages and identify which makes you feel the most loved.
The Love Language Exercise For Your Partner And You
The exercise is simple. Both of you take a blank piece of paper and write the 5 love languages down on that piece of paper. You each have a copy of the 5 love languages. Then, without even discussing or any influence whatsoever both go into your own area and prioritize with a number next to your #1 desired love language. A #2 next to the second most desired love language. So on and so forth.
The key here is to identify your top 2 most relevant love languages as well as your partners top 2 most relevant love languages also.
For example, my love language list would look like this:
Words of affirmation (#4)
Acts of service (#2)
Quality time (#3)
Physical touch (#1)
As you can see, physical touch comes first for me. Acts of service is second. Quality time is third. Words of affirmation is fourth and gifts is last. For me, gifts don’t mean much. They’re nice, but I can do these things for myself so it doesn’t mean a whole lot to me. Words of affirmation mean something also, but I affirm myself often enough that anything external is simply gravy on top!
When I look at my previous relationship one of the reasons that the relationship didn’t work out is evident. My ex would often give me gifts and have affirming, kind words. I appreciated these, of course. But they didn’t make me feel loved.
Looking back, had we clearly identified our individual love languages and respected that and gave in that manner maybe the relationship would have had a different outcome. Oh well, lesson learned on my end and moving forward I have found it very valuable to clearly identify my partners love languages and help them understand mine also so that we can love in a more full and complete way.
When I look back on the relationship it’s revealing to me that her top two love languages are gifts, and words of affirmation. Whenever I gave her a gift her heart would melt and her face would light up like a Christmas tree, she’d say in an endearing way ‘Thank you babe’ and it meant so much to her. It was obvious that her love languages were different than mine.
When Love Languages Get Confused Between Partners
My top two love languages were physical touch and acts of service. When my ex and I argued or had disagreements the LAST thing she’d want to do is to touch me, or do something kind for me. This took it’s toll over time and I felt less loved as a result.
Her top two love languages were gifts and words of affirmation. Either one of these (in no particular order, as I cannot speak for her) were clear to see that it had an affect on her and she felt loved and appreciated.
Long story short, I was communicating my love language by seeking physical touch and doing acts of service for her but even thought they meant something to her they didn’t mean as much to her as her love languages would have, because she would have felt more loved if I communicated in her love languages, and her in mine.
The 5 Love Languages is a practical framework for any relationship. This can apply beyond romantic relationships. The author of the book, Gary Chapman has a background as a counselor and he developed this framework from spending thousands of hours in his practice with couples. It’s time tested and it simply works. It’s an important and valuable framework for any relationship if you want ot see it succeed. The book as 4.8 star review on amazon with over 73,000 reviews. Click here to get the book on amazon.
If you take the time to write these down, and mark a #1, #2 all the way through #5 with your partner then come together and respect each others love language individually you’ll find that your communication of love in your relationship is more coherent and the gift of love will be sent and received in a more beautiful manner.
Here’s A Love Language Chart To Save To Your Phone:
Here’s Gary Chapman Sharing The 5 Love Languages on Video:
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